Breaking my silence

starfish2019 @ 2005-08-30T20:30:00

2005-08-31T00:32:13Z

Nothing can last forever. That's an important lesson to learn in life. And with that said, I'm retiring this journal. No one reads it. I did create a new one, though, so if you want to read it, just email me and I'll tell you the username. My email is scarlett.says@hotmail.com

Adios.

Then the bottom drops...

2005-08-07T02:44:21Z

More confused now than I have been in awhile. I should've posted here last night, when I was a little ray of sunshine. I've been so good lately...and now, I'm on the inevitable downward spiral. Happiness is too fragile. I'm not happy, really. I never have been. There are moments of elation, of hope, but they're never real. It's never substanial....if something evaporates so easily, it could never have been that strong to begin with. Why is it that EVERY FUCKING TIME I start to feel happy and strong and ok, something comes along to challenge every single thing I thought was true?

Today has been quite the day. My little emotional breakdown was a bit of relief- something familiar, at least. I'm, as I said, confused. Just fucking confused. I can't even begin to explain it, I won't try to articulate it, because no one would ever understand it but me. But my head is filled with chaos, rumblings that I'm chosing to ignore and numb rather than deal with.

My complete inability to connect with people scares me. The fact that I am so disconnected, so removed, so numb to my family, the people who are supposed to be my support system, is starting to worry me.

I don't think I'm going to write here anymore, considering no one reads this. I feel like I'm talking to myself. Which isn't so bad, really, but it's not nessecary. I don't know.

Every day, the thought of giving up, giving in, shutting everyone out, and not caring anymore starts to seem like a good idea. I was reading a book about buddism today, trying to give a damn, trying to work up enthusiam about getting my life together, and then I just thought "Who cares?" That's been my phrase these last couple of days. Who fucking cares? If I make it through the day without killing myself or someone else, it's been a good day (I'm kidding, of course).

I need sleep. I need a new drug. I need a new friend. I need a new life. I need to find a way to wipe the slate clean and start again.

Revolt!!

2005-07-16T00:06:25Z

I feel the need to vent.

We have become such an external society. More and more, everything is based on appearance, style of clothes, images, material possesions, all of that, instead of important things like intellect and what we are like as people. I think that's dangerous to younger generations because you cannot raise healthy, self-loving kids in a culture that tries to dictate and control and have a say about what they should and shouldn't be.

Companies target people in such a vicious way, trying to sell us things we don't need. Trying to keep us afraid of ourselves. It's all based on making people feel so bad about themselves, like they won't be complete, or even worthy, unless they buy all that stuff. Of course, adverstising and all that is totally neccasary, but more and more, we are becoming sheep...not people anymore, just a general demographic. Ready to buy, buy, buy and conform to what the ads tell us we need to be.

I still believe wholeheartedly in individuality, being who you are, unique and proud of the differences.

And Hollywood perptuates all of it. The growing obsession with celebrity culture is sick. We are so enamored as a society with Hollywood. Fame and fortune is exhaulted and these people are put on such pedestals, only for us to tear them down like it's a giant game. We watch their every move, read about every single detail of their lives like they're royalty, and look up to them because of there mansions and power and beauty. Celebrity is a great, trivial little thing to laugh about, but famous actors and musicians are like Gods to us.

The music industry is in complete shambles right now, due in no small part to the fact it's run by a bunch of republican business men who know nothing about music. Where have all the artists gone? Where is the rebellion, the excitment, the intelligence, the danger, the originality?? Music today is about image- period. There is no sense of freedom anymore. Rock and roll has been completely taken over by the corporate world.It's controlled and manufactured and focus-group tested within an inch of it's life. But it has always been and will always be a grass roots art, and we need to take it back.

The feeling seems to be more and more that if you are not famous/rich, then you are nothing. Somehow, you're below everything, not important. Everyone is important. It's that idea that keeps reality shows going. People are willing to completely degrade and humiliate themselves on TV for 15 minutes of fame. And we eat it up; it's insulting to everyone involved.

I feel like it takes away from what's really going on in the world, all of the issues that are so important and that everyone needs to discuss and look at. There are horrible things happening in the world, but it's stuff that can be stopped. We can do something about it. Everyday, civil rights and liberities are taken away, governments are fucking people over, and it's not right. Yet it seems like no one wants to talk about it or get involved.

I'm not the most politically articulate person. But people do have the power, and it's up to us to learn about these things and stand up for ourselves and our rights. I'm not about anarchy, I'm about reform. I'm about the open exchange of ideas and people getting involved and doing what is right. Everyone has their own opinions and views about things; I'm not suggesting I know everything. I know what I believe, and I hold strong to those beliefs, although that doesn't mean I'm not open to listening to or learning from other people. But come on, people, don't let them screw you over! Wake up and look at how much shit there is in this county, and in this world, and how much we can do to fix it. It's the lack of interest and debate and conversation that really gets to me.

Think.

starfish2019 @ 2005-07-07T23:35:00

2005-07-08T03:38:17Z

I think I'm finally growing weary of all my bad habits. This is toxic. This is killing me. This is suffocating me, slowly cutting me off from air and reality and everything around me. It's sickening, and I can't do it anymore. But...in my back of my mind, I think "Will things ever change? Am I stuck like this forever?" I have been desperate for a change for years, yet completely unable to make that leap and cast off these chains. Part of me does't want to cast them off. Part of me finds safety, an identity, a way of life in this. The other part of me knows it's what is keeping me down. I could make some big, bold statement like "It's ending tonight" or "I'm going to wake up and never do it again", but that will only set me up for failure. But something has to change. I need to make a real attempt at this. I need to KNOW that as hard as it is, it is for the best. It will save my life,even though I can't really think of life without it.

My head hurts now....time for some real "me" time. Goodnight.

starfish2019 @ 2005-07-05T14:59:00

2005-07-05T18:59:49Z

Quote of the week-

DJ: So what religion are we? What do we believe in?
Roseanne: Well, we're good people, so we believe in being good people.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

*Taken from old episode of Roseanne*

Motto of the week-

I will not show weakness. I will not let people break me down and I will not give them the satisfaction of falling. I will be strong, and I will hold my own.

starfish2019 @ 2005-06-30T22:35:00

2005-07-01T02:48:47Z

I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to save the world; I'm as confused as anyone. The one thing I do know for sure is that life is what YOU make of it. Everyone has to make their own rules, and everyone has the right to be themselves. As long as you're not hurting anyone, do your thing. It's YOUR life. I also know that nobody is perfect, and you shouldn't try to be. It's pointless.

That's my wisdom for the day.

I have a new favorite song. I got "The Execution of All Things" by Rilo Kiley, and on it is a song called "A Better Son/Daughter":

Sometimes in the morning
I am petrified and can't move
I wake, but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down
On my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And I hope
Someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you
Insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in
To the demons that possess her
That God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when your on
You're really fucking on
And your friends, they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks
In it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it
If you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And you'll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter
Or son
And a real good friend
You'll be awake, you'll be alert
You'll be positive
Though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome
And you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy.

You're ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
You'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.

Wow. When I first heard that, I almost cried. God, that's me to a tee. Always waking up, thinking, "Oh, this will be day. This will be the day I'm better. I'm going to try to real hard, and I'm going to be happy." Or, that WAS me. I become more accepting of myself, flaws and all, everyday.

I've been feeling good lately. Strong. Life can suck...it's hard, it's complicated, it doesn't go your way. You feel bad or angry or depressed. God knows I get in those sort of funks everyday. But I refuse to stay there. I want to embrace life fully- the inevitable ups, the inevitable downs, and everything in between.

starfish2019 @ 2005-06-17T22:14:00

2005-06-18T02:25:42Z

I am SO tired. But I had a fun day. I went into NYC with Jackie...but not just the plain, old regular Jackie- the new and improved Ghetto Fabulous Jackie!

#1 Jackie Quote of the Day- "I want to get a penguin tattoo on my toe. You know, just black and white. Well, just black, because ya know, I am white."

Jackie is going to be the newest rap superstar- straight from the mean streets of Branford, CT. We made hand signs and everything. We even designed her album and single covers, using her super cool camera phone. Fun, fun stuff. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

#2 Jackie Quote of the Day- "They're like Dawson and Joey. And that makes me Pacey."

(Maybe you had to be there. It was classic.) Jackie and I always find ways to amuse ourselves on long train rides. I got a cool bag, some crazy earings (my new look is very "80's", according to Jackie), two belts, and 6 CD's in NYC. All my b-day money is gone. But,oh well. My paycheck should be coming soon.

Here's to Jackie for a ghetto fabulous day in NYC. Peace out,homes!

Jackie-" Are you ready for the ghetto-ness?"
Me- "I am totally ready for the ghetto-ness."
Jackie strikes a pose.
Me- "I am so not ready for the ghetto-ness!!"

starfish2019 @ 2005-06-12T23:28:00

2005-06-13T03:53:30Z

In just 32 minutes, it will be June 13th- my birthday. I cannot believe I'm 20. It feels so unbelievable...technically, no longer being a teenager, and yet still feeling like one in so many ways. But hey, I made an interesting discovery about myself a few days ago- I'm a narcissist.

Yup, according to a pyschology book I was reading at RJ's, I exhibit many, many characteristics of a someone with narcissist personality disorder. Of course, that actual disorder is rare, so I'm not diagnosing myself, but when I read the book, all my behavior made sense. I have heard of narcissistic personality disorder in the past (I've heard of EVERY personality disorder), but I never thought it applied to me, since I don't usually like being the center of attention. But I was reading a book called "Why is it always about you?: A guide to people with NPD", and suddenly, it all made sense. Some of the things I read were so true, it was scary. So there we go. I'm just a narcissist. Of course, I am so tired of all this damn self-discovery and analyzing that at this point, I don't care. Well, I do, and I know I need to (and want to) work on it, but I've spent way to much time inside my head these past few days and I need to escape.

My new job sucks. Granted, I just began working two days ago, and I don't know how to really do anything yet, but I hate it already.I thought I would love working in a music store- it's so perfect, right? Wrong. It's boring as hell, we have to play crappy,crappy music all day, the discount is hardly anything, and, to top it all off, I'm not even making that much. God, I want to be back at RJ's so bad (I never thought I'd say that).

Speaking about jobs and money, I had yet another talk with my father and sister tonight about debt and money issues. My sister loves her job, but she has no money, mostly because of her car dilema. It got my father talking about what it takes to make a real, massive amount of money. Business, finance, Wall Street, computer industry, etc...those are the markets where you can make the big bucks. I want big bucks, but I'd rather die than do any of that stuff. I think you have to make a decision at one point in your life. You either focus on money, and focus on your love for money, and get a big-paying job. Or, conversly, you make a decision to do what you love, regardless of how much you make. Everyday, I lean a little more toward the latter. My feeling lately has been that it's not the destination, it's the journey. I want to be able to wake up everyday and love my life. I won't have that if I hate my job. Good Lord, I can't even get through a summer job I hate without bitching constantly. Not to mention the fact that money MANAGMENT is a huge aspect in the quality of your life, not what you actually make (In many cases, anyway). I mean, my sister has no spending money, but that's not because she's not making it, it's because she chose to not listen to my parents and bought a car she couldn't afford.

Anyway, I'm a bit disturbed by the fact that I can't find my real journal. It disappeared after my trip to Maryland. It was in my mom's car, and now it has suddenly vanished. Hm...I doubt she took it or anything, though. My mom's not like that.

Hm. 11 minutes until June 13th. I feel like staying up all night, listening to Jeff Buckley and Courtney Love and Bob Dylan. Throw on my music and lose myself completely. However, I'm hyped up on caffiene, and soon, I'll be too tired to move. Nighty-night.

starfish2019 @ 2005-05-30T20:59:00

2005-05-31T01:11:19Z

Ok, so I tried to go up and read, but I just didn't feel like it. And after writing about Rilo Kiley in my earlier post, I was in the mood to listen to them for awhile. So I decided to post the lyrics to my new favorite song, "More Adventurous":
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And it's just doubts
That's we're counting
On fingers broken
Long ago
I read with every broken heart
We should become
More adventurous

And if you banish
Me from your profits
And if I get banish
From the Kingdom up above
I'd sacrifice
Money and heaven
All for love
Let me be loved
Let me be loved...

And if my brain quits
Well, I guess then that's just it
And if my hands
Stop working
You can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant
I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved
Let me be loved...

I've been trying to nod my head
But it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say "I Will"
As my last testament
For me to be saved
And you to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well, at least we'll be loved.

I felt the wind on my cheek
Coming down from the east
And thought about how we all
As numerous as leaves on trees
And maybe ours is the cause
Of all mankind
Getting love, make more
Try to stay alive

I've been trying to nod my head
But it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say "I Will"
As my last testament
For you to be saved
And me to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved..."

Can vanity and happiness coexist?

2005-05-31T00:40:08Z

I know I haven't written in awhile. There's so much to write about, I've been overwhelmed. It's been a crazy, chaotic time in my head lately.

Discovering some soul-blowing music, which is always fun. My new favorite band is Rilo Kiley...check 'em out. Imaginative folk/rock with killer lyrics. And blast from the past- Patti Smith. She's a legendary punk rocker; one of the orginal "CBGB's" artists. They'll both blow ya mind.

I've given serious thought to abandoning my journalist dreams and becoming a DJ. It's fun...and you can make a killing in private apperances.

I've been writing a lot in my real diary...that's my priority, but I have lots to write here, too. Later. My goal is to read 10 books this summer. Yes, ten. (Beloved, A Million Pieces, She, Prep, The Secret Life of The Lonely Doll, a Hawthorne anthology, The Bell Jar, The Nanny Diaries...and I can't remember the other two). So I better get going on that. I think I'll finish them all, considering my other goal is to cut down DRASTICALLY on my TV and computer time.

So, I'll bid you all adeiu. Peace.

New Car Smell

2005-05-16T18:57:41Z

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that may be a bit much. But I am so excited right now- We oficially bought the convertable!! I have a new car! My mom just called me to tell me, and now I'm so pyched. I can pick up my new '99 gold Seabring Convertible on Wednesday!!

This is such a relief; I love having the weight of looking for a car off my shoulders. And I cannot believe I actually got my dream car. I mean, I thought if I got a Jetta, it'd be amazing. But I actually got the car I wanted.

Uhh, I'm too hyped now. I can't study (not that I was doing much of that anyway).

What am I trying to prove?

2005-05-12T02:23:49Z

Sad day today. It's the equestrian clubs last riding lesson. I'm so upset I can't ride this summer....but with the new car, my parents are NOT going pay $300 for riding lessons. Oh, well. I'm going to do a lot of reading and studying this summer for next semester. I have a goal- to get to regionals in the IHSA next year. The IHSA is a college horse show circut that the club just joined. It's a pretty big deal; you go to preliminaries, then regionals, then zones, then national. I WILL get to at least regionals. That's my promise to myself.

I'm so happy I get to compete, but just taking lessons has been so healing lately. Riding makes me feel so...like "me". I can't explain it. I just love it.

So I was quite surpised last Sunday when Brian called. It's like "Um, I gave you my number two weeks ago, and you're calling now?" Whatever. I did feel bad, though, because I ignored him at the pony party. And then I flirted with Rapheal (sp?) in front of him. But I'm not interested in him anymore at all.

The car situation....ugh. My convertable needs work, so I'm not getting it if they don't come down on the price. Hopefully, by this time next week, the whole thing will be over, and I'll have either a sebring, or a Mazda.

Math final this morning. It wasn't that bad. I HAVE to get a b+ on the final, or I can't move on to math 100. I wished I had paid attention last semester.

I'm tired, dusty, and ready for bed. peace!

It doesn't matter who you are if you can believe theres something worth fighting for.

2005-05-10T00:39:11Z

What an interesting couple of weeks it's been. I've generally been pretty good. I've really turned a corner, and am making such an effort to be happier and more content. For the most part, I feel stronger, more comfortable, and more powerful...although, I'm in a "eh" kinda mood at the moment.

Best news- I am getting a new car!! Bad news- I'm not sure which one. I actually found a '99 Sebring Convertable within our price range, and, after a lot of convincing, I got my dad to look at it. Sebrings are my favorite cars. This would be my ABSOLUTE DREAM CAR! Unfortunately, my dad took it the mechanic today, and it needs about $1000 worth of work. BUT it's not out of the picture yet. Tomorrow, my dad is going to talk to the dealers and see about pricing. If they come down on the price, we can get the car. If that doesn't work out, then we're going to go for a 2001 Mazda 626. It's a good car, so it's a close second choice.

Finals coming up....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Actually, I feel ok about them. I just want them over with!!

I'm dying my hair a lot lighter this summer. It's gonna be sort of blonde. I can't wait.

I don't know what to do for my 20th birthday. Actually, it's not so much what to do, it's who to do it with. I didn't really make any friends here this year...at least, not good enough to invite to a birthday. Everyone's probably working. I'm pretty depressed about the whole thing. I've actually never really had a real birthday party, besides the family ones. I've never had enough friends to do anything huge. I don't think my 20th will be anything special, either.

Well, that's pretty much it. I'm hungry, but I'm trying to think of fairly healthy alternatives to the candy bars I'm craving.

No one knows me. No one could possibly.

2005-04-20T20:18:46Z

Logically, I know that re-making myself and "fixing" myself is just my favorite hobby. I've been doing it for, literally, almost my entire life. It's fun for me to think up new images and histories for myself...and it's a hell of a lot easier to spend all my time trying to become someone else than deal with how much I hate myself. I don't know how to be me. "Lindsay" doesn't really exist. I'm just a body, a canvas, a chameleon. I've tried to change myself so many times that "Lindsay" feels invisible. Or not real at all. I guess I keep hoping that if I run fast enough, one day, I'll leave Lindsay behind. What good is she anyway?

A new day, a new identity. It's not the healthiest way to live my life. And truth be told, it'll probably be the cause my inevitable demise. But this is what I choose to focus on. I'll keep searching, until I find something that makes me happy.

starfish2019 @ 2005-04-11T10:45:00

2005-04-11T17:59:27Z

I've been on a 4-day binge. I've been eating...well, like I used to. All the time, and only the most horrible of foods. The first little binge, I felt good, actually. Full. But now it's out of control, and it has to stop. But today has been better- a bowl of cheerios, an orange, and a serving of easy mac. Dinner has to be small- I want to go back to losing 2 lbs. a week.

Anywayz, the trail ride on Saturday was a lot of fun. It felt so good to ride again; it made me really excited to start lessons on Wendsday. I rode up with this kid named Brian, who was nice (albeit a little weird) and really flirty. I ended up giving him my number, but now I'm hoping he doesn't call. We'll see what happens. The party Friday night was also a lot of fun. That other Brian was there, the one that I met in the beginning of the year. I didn't talk to him, but I should have. He's so unbelievably hot.

I need money. In a serious way. I may have to resort to selling myself on a street corner...although I'll wait a little while longer before going that route. I really need a job.

So that's what going on in my life. Sorta...I had more to write, but I can't remember any of it right now. So until next time, caio.

starfish2019 @ 2005-04-06T14:43:00

2005-04-06T21:54:57Z

The lesson for this week? A bad day is just that- a bad day. You can go to sleep and start over; it will only carry over if you allow it to.

Yesterday I was dreading getting out of bed. I had do much to do, but it wasn't too bad. I talked to Adam at the radio station and apologized for not coming last week. He was pissed. I was uncomfortable. I hate feeling like people are mad at me, especially people I had hoped to be friends with. Then I went to see my counselor, and again, I got the feeling he didn't like me much. But then again, I feel that way about everyone. I never think anyone likes me. So maybe it's me- maybe I'm just paranoid.

Today was better. I was so overwhelmed this morning, because I had a lot to do. But my math test went fine, and I passed my test for the radio station. Kenny was there instead of Adam, and I felt much better. He's a sweetheart (and so hot!). I skipped Brit Lit and took a nap, and went for a walk. Even the equestrian club meeting went better than expected. Everyone was cool with me not wanting to be secretary anymore, and now Ashley's gonna do it. All in all, it's been a great day.

I'm starving now, so I think I'll make myself some easy mac. I've been trying really hard to lose weight, but in a safe way. It's not going to well. I tend to not really eat anything, and when I eat normally, I feel quilty. But I'm dealing.

Adios, amigos.

starfish2019 @ 2005-03-29T15:17:00

2005-03-29T23:39:09Z

So,here I am, back at school. Spring break was cool, but boring. I didn't really do anything. I feel bad because I really wanted to finish the two books I'm reading, and I didn't even take them out of my bag all week. And I got, like, 2 hours of sleep a night. But I made my weight goal- 2 lbs. lost. I took a bunch of walks down to the beach, which was great. It feels good to be losing weight again.

Easter was fun. I got into an interesting conversation with my parents and sister about religon. My sister said she wants to go to graduate school and major in religious issues, and it got all of us talking about how my sister and I were raised (without any religion at all). It was very interesting to hear my parents defending there respective religions. My mother has always called herself an agnostic, and my dad has never really talked about judiasm at all. But they both were raised very devoutly. It was nice; I like having those types of convos with my family, because my parents and my sister are all very intelligent, opinionated people. I also got to admit to them that I don't consider myself catholic at all, and have no idea why I decided to go gt baptism when I was 16.

Unfortunately, I still have not told my very catholic aunt that. She made me go to church with her on Good Friday. It was so boring, and frustrating. I hate pretending to be something I'm not. It may not seem like a big deal, like I should just tell her and my uncle I'm agnostic, and do not believe in christianity, but it's difficult. I made a big deal about it a few years ago, and my mother's family is super religious. They were so proud of me. I don't know how I would explain to them that I've changed so much.

But at least my parents know I'm studying buddism, and I have a great talk with my sister about it. I also told my father I was interested in learning more about judiasm, and he seemed really happy.

Anyway, that was my easter. Overdosed on chocolate, but it was worth it,lol.

I'm very scared about something, though. I am getting very into shopping. I went to Old Navy last week, and spent an hour there, even though I didn't buy anything. But when I get my paycheck this week, I'm planning on going back and buying an entire new spring wardrobe.

What the hell is going on with me??????lol.

Oh, and I saw the Phantom of Thte Opera this week, finally. I loved it. It's a stunning movie to watch, even if the acting was a it lacking. It got me into a 'musical theater' mood.

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy...

2005-03-18T03:31:15Z

Spring break is just one day away...thank whatever God is in the sky.

I'm sitting here crying in my tiny, stifling dorm room. Not sad tears, though. I'm listening to Jackson Browne's "These Days", which just does something to me. Maybe it's the lyrics about regret and a life not lived, or maybe it's the achingly beautiful slide guitar solo, but that song cuts deep. I've had it on repeat for about an hour.

I re-read my last entry, and now that my mind is clearer, I know I can't go back to UNH. I'm really not sure about being in the music industry...it's so corrupt nowadays (it's run by the republican bastards at Clear Channel), and I hate business. More importantly, though, there's the money issue. I keep forgetting UNH is about $30,00, and CCSU is, like, $3,000. My parents just bought a new house, I'm getting a new car (that they're buying for me), they're trying to buy back my mom's teaching years from the town so she can get early retirement...AND my parents are going to attempt to pay off my sister's car, since she can't. Going back to an expensive private school is out of the question.

I never realized quite how spoiled I was until I came to college. I mean, I always knew I got pretty much everything I asked for. But I never really thought about the fact that other kids have to pay there own tuition, buy there own cars, etc. I never felt rich, or like a princess, or anything like that (maybe because I grew up in a ritzy neighborhood- there were certainly girls who were more spoiled than me at my school). But now, seeing just how easy I've had it, I do. I've never been pressured into getting a job. My parents put money in my account every month. They'll pay for anything; they've never told me to save up and buy something big myself.

I guess now I'm getting a little scared about the prospect of being "on my own". I come from a line of women who are not good with money. My mom's a shopaholic who recently had to cut up her credit cards because she says she has no control. My sister is in massive debt. And I haven't been doing so well so far. I have $20.88 in my account right now. I'm supposed to be learning how to keep a checking account and manage money and budget and all that, but I'm not doing well right now. I buy what I want, when I want. I'm constantly buying things and ending up broke and borrowing from my aunt. All the while, my mom and sister are in my ear, (jokingly) begging me not to end up like them. But so far, I'm heading down the same road.

Ugh. Me+money= bad,bad times.

I guess I have to grow up and start being the "grown-up" I've been claiming to be.

But I don't wanna!!!!!!!!

Strong enough to break

2005-03-15T23:47:04Z

"Stuck in between
Who I am and who I want to be
Up and down
I rise to the sky and come crashing down..."
(An original verse by me)

I'm feeling very uninspired lately. No new songs, nothing. I haven't even finished the songs I wrote a few weeks ago when I was in a state of manic creativity. But I don't even care anymore. I've never gonna be a musician, so why keep writing?

I'm feeling lost and confused, career-wise. Last night I went online to find out median salary of DJ's and music journalists (my top two job choices for quite awhile). They make shit.

Ha. How funny that I'm talking about job salaries after I made such a big deal of changing my materialistic ways. Well, fuck it. Wanting to "live simply" was a phase- wanting to be filthy rich is where my heart really is.

I'm kidding...sorta. I don't want to be money-obsessed. I don't want to be consumed by the almighty dollar. I don't want to be the kind of person who's only interested in money; I still fully believe that life is about the experiences and that material possessions shouldn't be the only thing on your mind. But I also don't want to be broke or in debt. I've seen it happen to too many people; I don't want to worry about money my whole life. I want a GOOD paying job. I'm switching my focus to being a talent agent or an A&R person.

But whnever I consider A&R, I start regretting leaving UNH. I wish I had stuck with it and stayed a music industry major. But I try to make myself feel better by remembering that I have had some amazing classes here at CCSU, and the music industry is not something you neccesary need an education for. I mean, it's all about experience. The people who are running the record companies didn't major in "music business".

But besides my ridiculous panic over my career, I've been ok.

I almost cut a few days ago, but I didn't. I was so proud,lol. Plus, I didn't have a razor, thank God. But I got over the feeling pretty quick, and was fine the next morning.

I think I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm growing weary of doing all this shit to myself to get attention. I need to give it a rest and chill out. I'm over it.

starfish2019 @ 2005-03-13T20:41:00

2005-03-14T01:46:36Z

Well, it's been quite a week...I've been up and down and up and down, as usual.

First of all, a moment of silence for Alissa, a girl I worked with at RJ's who was killed in a car accident this weekend. She was 21; her car skidded on the ice and collided with a tractor. R.I.P.

I've been slipping this week. Everything has gone south. My eating's been bad, I've spend all of my time either online or watching Tv...I'm just generally back to my old ways. It's not pretty...but tomorrows a new day. A new chance to get it right.

I really have nothing else to say. Until next time, peace.

I just had to save these quotes.

2005-03-07T02:23:04Z

I just read this new interview with one of my favorite singer- Shirley Manson. I LOVE what she said about image and feminism and plastic surgery-

"More and more naked,” she nods. “Young girls now correlate the word ‘sexy’ with nakedness. It’s practically, ‘Show us your labia’. If you play that game of allowing yourself to be judged by your physicality, it will not sustain you through a long career. There’s always going to be someone younger, more beautiful, more desirable. It’s a temple of dust.”

Ostensibly, at least, there’s no questioning Manson’s improved sense of self-worth. “I’m 38,” she announces, “not bad, eh?” Then she laughs uproariously. She’s “morally opposed” to cosmetic surgery. Homogenisation, in any form, makes her foam with rage.

“These are media images of unrealistic perfection that nobody can aspire to or attain,” she froths. “It breeds an intolerance of imperfection and flaws that’s driving everybody insane. The irony is, the reason beauty is beauty is because it’s uncommon. It’s unusual.”

She swigs some water, then continues: “I hate this notion being rammed down our throats that if you’re not young, gorgeous and perfect, you’re nothing. That equation is the most terrifying notion we could perpetuate in our society. Women are f***ed if they play that game; they’ll be constantly pushed down, controlled and exploited.

“Here am I. I’m 38. My career’s probably never been better. And I’ve made a decision which may or may not impact on it – I refuse to hide my experience and my age, as if it’s something I should be ashamed of. I’m alive. I know lots of people who’ve never been lucky enough to get to this stage in their life. And I’m not gonna hide it for anybody. They’re just gonna have to f***ing deal with me.”

“All the fairy tales we’re fed when we’re kids just lead us to believe that life is something that it’s not,” she says. “Life is not a smooth line. You just have to accept that and move on through it.”

I *heart* her....she completely summed up everything I've been feeling.

I can't deny there was a time, last year, when I was all about plastic surgery, and, in fact, assumed that as soon as I was finacially able to, I'd get (at least) a nose job. Lately, the feeling had been replaced by a deep sadness and disgust about plastic surgery. I just finished reading a book called "Beautiful Stranger", about a woman who had 22 surgeries by the time she was 27, and it just made me sick. What the hell are woman doing?? I just want to scream to the whole world "Stop! Fight it! Don't surrender!" I am not going to cut up my face or my body and get a life threatening procedure (Getting a face lift is like getting into a horrible car accident- there's that much trauma to the face) because Vogue tells me I'm not good enough. Fuck you, America! You'll just have to deal with me exactly the way I am.

I am feeling an overwhelming surge of power and security right now. Yea,me.

On materialism

2005-03-04T19:01:49Z

Ok, I admit it: I, in the past, have been just a little materialistic. Ok, a lot. I can't help it; I was quite spoiled as a child. And my mother, bless her old Hippy heart, is quite materialistic. She's addicted to shopping and spending money. But as I got older, into middle and high school, we sort of ran out of money. It's kind of the typical story- in my quest to be "cool" and become part of the 'popular' crowd, I thought I needed more stuff. I really thought having all those things made me special somehow. Up until even a month ago, I wanted to be filthy rich so badly. It's all I thought about when I planned my future; what could I do to make as much money as possible? It's safe to say,I was a little obsessed.

What's changed? A lot. I have had a remarkable change of heart.

Those things just don't matter to me anymore. I mean, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to worry about debt, or any of the finacial issues my parents are dealing with. But I'm not driven to amass a major amount of money anymore. Maybe I finally realized how empty it all is. Life is about the experiences, not the "things". You can't take it with you, after all. I think back about all those times I felt like I really NEEDED something. I can remember times when I cried, and felt inferior or threw a tantrum (And I'm talking recently as well as in the way past) because I couldn't get what I wanted. But, as much as I try, I can't remember what it was I wanted. I can't even remember the actual object. Not having it made no difference in the long run. Life is about art and love and learning. Life is more (or should be) than shiny appliances or fashionable, expensive clothes. I'm so disgusted by the whole thing now. I don't want to live my life hating myself because I don't have as many things as someone else. "Those who want much, are always much in need."- Horace. I want to live simply, focusing on the inner, not the external.

That said, I have a sudden urge to learn to knit and sew and make my own clothes. It's not so much about expense, it's really more about wanting to create unique, one of a kind pieces for myself. It may be a bit dfficult, considering I flunked Home Ec in middle school. Actually, I didn't even finish. I was so behind making my boxer shorts, the teacher took them and finished them for me. But, this summer, I am going to learn to make clothes. And play quitar. That's my other goal.

starfish2019 @ 2005-03-02T13:38:00

2005-03-02T18:59:18Z

Something I thought of last night- it's been 7 months since I've cut. God knows there have been times I wanted to (I had a mini-breakdown in my car the other day. I did that weird thing where you cry and laugh at the same time. I swear, tears were STREAMING down my face, and yet I was laughing hysterically.)But I have not taken it out on my skin. I threw out all my razors, and my more recent scars have healed up pretty well, so I feel like it's a whole new start.

However, I am still starving. I decided I need to lose weight again, and I haven't had much of an appetite. But I'm not restricting too badly.

I swear, one day I'll get it right. I'm bound to grow out of these self-destructive tendencies one day. Anyway...

Today has been pure comedy so far.

I skipped math this morning, which proably wasn't the smartest thing to do. I already skipped once, and after 2 cuts, you get points taken off your final grade. And in math, I need all the points I can get.

But the extra two hours of sleep was really nice. I am one of those people who needs 8 or 9 hours to feel good during the day. It pains me to say it, but I think I need to start going to bed at 10 every night....I get up around 7:30 or 8, and I'm just so tired during the day. I love being up at night, though; I'm very nocturnal.

I was suposed to train at the radio station today, but there was a mix-up and my DJ couldn't be there. So I came back here and have been reading, surfing the net, and putting off studying for my music test tomorrow. I have an equestrian club meeting tonight, which I'm dreading because we're doing a fundraiser, and I didn't raise much yet.

Good news this week: 5 tracks from Fiona Apple's new (and currently shelved) album has leaked!! New Fiona music- I'm in heaven. She is one of my favorite songwriters of all time.

So, I think I'm going to start meditating. I've always wanted to, but I've never actually gotten around to doing it. I need to learn how to just 'be'...just relax and be in the NOW. My plan is to wake up at 7:0 everyday, take a shower, and meditate while my hair dries.

I'm starting to wear my hair curly again. This year I've been straightening it everyday, which is rather annoying. I love it when it's super curly, the problem is that when I dry it with the dryer or brush it too much, the curls comes out. It only gets curly when I just let it dry naturally, but that takes an hour and a half. But I'm sick of it straight. I want to go au natural,lol.

My life lately has become all about living for ME. Living by my rules; fuck everyone else and what they'll say. I want to live authentically; I want to do what feels right to me. I've always had issues with this- all the massive teasing in grade school made me shy and insecure. But there's no reason to care so much what everyone thinks- I'm only here once. Why not live the way I want? "This life is more than just a read-through" as the Red Hot Chili Peppers say.

So from now one, it's about me, living without fear and without anxiety.

So there.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Good mood continued...

2005-02-28T21:25:46Z

Hmm...very stimulating lecture in Brit Lit today. It was the kind of class I always imagined having in college. It was a nice feeling, considering this morning in math, I felt like a 5th grader.

Anyways, before class started, I wrote this. Just felt like posting it.

"Confusion, confusion, confusion...I live my life in a constant state of total confusion. I go up, down, left, right, foward, backward, then I'm back at the start, still clueless, not having any idea what just happened. I've been down every road you can go, but it seems like life's just one big circle- you inevitably wind up where you originally came from. I lie awake all night, anazlying myself to death, obessing over every single detail of my day- my thoughts, my actions, my steps, everything. Maybe I need to turn my mind off for a moment. Just feel.

I need to make some major life changes.

Well, duh. I've been saying that since I was 10.

I have never, ever, EVER been satisfied with me or my life. I've always been obsessed with being someone else. I still am. Every diary I have ever kept is all about how I can change myself to be more like someone else- guidelines on how to change, conform, and lose myself. Something about "Lindsay" just was not good enough. My life was boring, dull...lonely. I wanted more. Even now, it's hard for me to accept myself, or get comfortable just being me. But I think I'm ready. I want to be ready. I want to learn how to live with myself. I want to learn how to live in the NOW. I'm always so busy regretting my past, or planning my future...meanwhile, life passes me by. I need to let it go. My past can't be undone, and who knows where I'll end up. The important thing is now. The important thing is not wasting my life away. The important thing is living."

"There are more things in heaven and earth,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy"- Lord Byron

Don't you just love those moments when you think you know everything? :)

Anti.

2005-02-28T19:08:47Z

In a good mood today, ladies and gentleman....sort of. Figuring some shit out, as usual. I feel awakened and rebellious and excited, but those feelings are often fleeting for me. I tend to get ahead of myself most of the time; I dive head first into different mindframes and ideas, and it usually leaves me burned and disapointed, so I'd rather not go into the reasons behind my elation.

Every so often, you just...get it. Ya know?